Mental Health & Body Positivity

This is something that has been heavy on my mind for YEARS, but even moreso lately. I feel like I have always struggled with mental health and body positivity in one way or another, and for me, the two go hand in hand. I don't know if it's because I had my first baby so young, or because of my crazy childhood, or even something else- but I have just always had such a hard time accepting my body, myself, and not caring about what other people think about me. 

As most of you know, I had Tate when I was 16. I literally didn't even have my first period until my first date with his dad, and was pregnant almost exactly a year later. I hadn't even matured whatsoever- mentally or physically- and that was really hard for me. My body and my hormones changed rapidly in a short amount of time and I didn't even know how to handle that! It really didn't help that my boyfriend at the time left me for another girl when I was 6 months pregnant. I felt scared, alone, and definitely sad. Everything spiraled downward pretty quickly after that and I think that's where most of my mental health problems started. I became extremely depressed- to the point of having suicidal thoughts daily. I really think the only thing that kept me going was knowing that I had a baby boy growing inside me who needed me. He needed me to be strong & happy and ALIVE.

I attempted to see a counselor/ therapist at one point during my pregnancy because I knew I needed help! However, I had a very unpleasant experience with her. She wouldn't let me talk to her without my mom in the room, and made me feel like it was just a joke. She literally told me I was acting this way for attention because my boyfriend left me and I just wanted him to notice me! Seriously. She said that. Which obviously didn't help me AT ALL and just turned me away from attempting to receive any help from anyone else. Even now I struggle with the though of trying to go to therapy of any kind because I was just made to feel like my feelings were invalid and I was just being a dramatic girl, which honestly may have been partially true! But I do know that I still wasn't okay mentally and for someone to treat me that way just made things that much worse. 

I eventually figured out how to cope with things on my own, and my mom and family were very helpful and did a good job keeping me distracted with positive things and trying to make me feel okay whenever they could. Even after Tate was born I struggled a lot mentally. I always had this picture in my mind that whenever I had a baby, it would be with someone I loved and loved me back and we'd be happy & perfect- cause that's totally how it always is, right? 😂 It was so hard for me to go every day of my life looking at my baby and wishing things had been different. I watched his dad come & go as he pleased from day 1. He left me alone in the hospital to go be with the girl he had left me for, he cut his already short and infrequent visits even shorter to go do "better" things, while I was left caring for the baby 24/7 with no help from him, and having him make my life harder and sadder. I specifically remember a time where he came to see Tate within the first week he was born and he stared at me and said "when is your stomach going to go back to normal? I thought you'd be skinny by now." and that really hurt. Who says that to someone??

And don't get me wrong, I did have a good support system with my mom & sister living at home with me- but it's just not the same as having someone to share the responsibilities with! It was just so hard. I was raising a baby alone and still trying to figure out who I was as a person, and go back to school so I could graduate and make a better life for us. Maintaining a social life in high school and having a baby waiting for me back home was nearly impossible. I wasn't okay.

I stayed in a really dark place for a long time after I had Tate. I dated multiple guys who were just pure trash, but I was desperate for someone to love me like I wanted to be loved. I was still smart and never slept around or anything like that, but I craved that attention and I was willing to make a fool of myself to get it. Then one day something changed. One of the guys I was dating told me he had just been using me (literally in those words), even my best friend told me that I was a slut and needed to worry about my baby instead of all these POS guys. And that HURT a lot at the time, but she was right. I finally decided to focus on loving myself and stop trying to date shitty guys who only wanted to get in my pants because they thought I was easy (because getting pregnant by your first kiss after dating them for a year makes you easy, apparently) NEWS FLASH! Everybody has sex, and even pregnancy scares- just not everyone gets pregnant! Not a slut- just unlucky! 

I finally figured out how to love myself and be happy for Tate and not worry so much about what everyone else thought of me. I still struggled leaving my baby to go to school every day, especially when I knew everyone was judging me so much! But I did it. I went to school, I did my best, and I tried to live a "normal" life. Tate's dad still wasn't super involved, but I tried to just not worry about things I couldn't change or control, even if it killed me. I think I was still depressed but I brushed it off and tried to stay positive.

It wasn't until Tate was about 6 months old that Kody and I started hanging out- and my life changed for the better, very quickly! We instantly had a connection and became really close friends. Neither of us wanted to date anyone yet because we hadn't had the best relationships in the past and we were very hesitant because I had a baby and that came with a lot of other baggage and problems and that was just scary for the both of us. But our connection was inevitable and we started dating pretty fast. We moved in together after only 3.5 months of dating- which was CRAZY but it just felt right. For once in my life I felt safe and loved for who I am as a person. 

It didn't take long for Kody to see the dark parts of me though. I was always very insecure about my body and would hardly ever let him see me without clothes on. It was bad. He was always so sweet to me and made sure I felt loved and made it known that he loved me no matter how I looked and that my stretch marks were beautiful, but I still struggled. 

I finally felt okay with myself and my body and started gaining confidence again.. And then I got pregnant with Olive😂 My whole pregnancy I made Kody reassure me he wouldn't leave me if my body got even more destroyed or if I got depressed again. Of course he was sweet & loving and made it known he would always love me whether I was skinny, fat, crazy, depressed, or calm. He loved me for me and that's something I'll always thank him for. 

But still, it got bad. After I had Olive I got postpartum depression pretty bad again.. But how could that be? I was married to an amazing man, I had a good life, what did I have to be depressed about?? At the time I didn't realize you could be perfectly happy and still be depressed. It is a chemical imbalance in your brain, and can cause you to essentially self destruct- which is what I started to do. Kody tried to help but I just pushed him away. How could anyone love a girl like me? Even after all the time we had been together I had a hard time believing I was worthy of love, because that's what happens when you ignore your mental health.

I probably should've gotten help, and probably still could, but I have figured out ways to learn to love myself and be okay with my ever-changing body. Which is so hard in this day and age. The porn industry seems to be growing rapidly, and everything seems to be sexualized these days when it really shouldn't be. It's hard not to compare myself to the "perfect" women I see all over the place and wish I had their perfect body and perfect life. But GUESS WHAT? Absolutely NOBODY IS PERFECT! No matter how great their life may seem. People tell me all the time that I "look amazing" after just having a baby (9 months ago) or that my life is so perfect, blah blah blah. Would you believe me when I say it's not? I struggle daily with my mental health and loving myself. 

My body has lots of saggy skin, stretch marks, and fat. I haven't worked out consistently since before I got pregnant with Graham, and I have a lot of aspects in my life that are really hard. My marriage isn't always great, my house is almost ALWAYS a complete and total disaster, and I can't seem to get my shit together- like ever. I feel like I live in constant chaos and never take the time to take care of myself. But I am working on changing that. I frequently find myself feeling like a failure and thinking I'm not enough, and it's honestly so hard not to feel that way, but with every hug and every cry for "mom" I am reassured that I am what my kids need, and I am more than enough for them.

My body is amazing. My mind is amazing It grew, birthed, and fed (and is still feeding) 3 babies. My stretch marks are signs of the amazing way my body has changed to accommodate 3 tiny humans, and my flabby stomach shows what once was home to all of my sweet kids. I may not love it every day like I should, and OF COURSE there are things I wish I could change about myself mentally and physically. But right now I'm working on loving myself in the way my kids love me, because they really don't give a shit what I look like- and that's really all that should matter.

While I still get depressed and struggle finding balance in my life, I always try to tell myself that my life is better than it was before, my kids love me unconditionally, I am their safe place, and most importantly- I am a BADASS mom who deserves to love herself regardless of how I look and what others think of me. 

It may take me a while to get there fully, but I am trying. And I will keep trying and continue to try to see myself as my kids see me. I will never be perfect, and that's okay. I have worked really hard to create a beautiful life for myself and my kids, despite my own personal struggles. 

I appreciate all the love and support I have ever received from all my friends and family, and I honestly don't know if anyone will take the time to read through all of this word vomit, but this has been so heavy on my mind for so long I just felt like I had to get it out there before I totally combust.

So thank you if you read this, thank you if you've ever helped me or supported me in any way, and THANK YOU TO MYSELF for creating such perfect little humans and doing my best. ❤

And here's some more of my favorite pictures from this!